Actually, its like this...

2003-07-31T16:09:00.000-04:00

So how was NYC you ask? Marvelous, fantastic, awe inspiring, poignant, well worth the trip, even if it wasn't the first time. I've been there twice and STILL haven't seen everything. From the heights of Empire State to the sorrows of Ground Zero, truly a great time.

And now...a really bad case of post-vacation depression. Back to work, to unpaid and late bills, to ornery bosses and clock watching, to long commutes and piece of sh*& cars with no air conditioning, to turning 30 and feeling very underachieving in the process. (Although I will say that its not as bad as turning 25. Go figure...) I'm hoping it passes, and soon, as I am very apathetic and don't like feeling this way.

2003-07-21T10:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, so now that I've updated the really cool stuff going on, its time to get introspective again. As I look through the papers, and the web sites for job opportunities, I find myself beginning to doubt if this is the right way to go. I DO NOT want to jump from one bad situation to a worse one. And maybe there will always be SOMEONE who pisses you off and makes your working life hell. The question I really need to ask is whether or not I'm happy, and if not, is it my job's fault? And if so, what can be done about it....

Thats a tall order, and no shortage of thinking and progression involved. I can say that I don't feel happy at my job. I tolerate it. I do what I have to. But I tend to shirk responsibility and look forward only to my next paycheck. I wasn't always like that. I've worked many hours of unpaid overtime for companies that I enjoyed working for and felt appreciated at. This just isn't the case. So, lets look at the long term rather than the short term. What do I REALLY want? A company where the individuals don't tell me I can't do something that way because THEY said so. The best way to do that is to run the company myself. Simple huh? So how can I add value? What do I really want to do? Whatever my next move is, It HAS to further that goal. I am really sick of casting about looking for the next big opportunity from someone else only to be disappointed. One thing that this place has taught me is that size and competency aren't necessary to run a business. (although they do help) I've played with the notionof going back to school to get a masters, but I don't think this is the answer. The money invested would be substantial, and I don't think it would pay for itself. It would only be of value if I work for someone else, who is impressed by such things. I need to learn more focused, technical stuff. PLC programming, individual robots and their functions, languages, and programming. Basic metalworking too. I need to learn all of these things somehow. Will financial aod cover technical training...not likely. But its something to think about.

I'm going to be 30 years old...ugh. I really though my career would be further along at this point, rather than scrounging through a crappy economy for whatever came up. I DO NOT want to be doing that at 40, when the next recession hits.

I have a goal...I need a plan. I'm usually the other way around. This is going to take a lot of thought, and prayer, and time to figure out...

2003-07-21T10:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, so maybe I do tend to write only when I'm depressed, or worried, or ranting, or pissed off, or whatever. But then some might say that I'm ALWAYS like that. But not this weekend. Thanks to the wonderful woman in my life, I got to enjoy an early birthday surprise by going here. I haven't seen an airshow in a long, long time, and this one was definitely the one to see. I'd seen both the Thunderbirds and Blue Angels before, but never both on the same day. Between that, and the tons of aircraft they had parked out for you view, and being surrounded by a few hundred thousand plane geeks like myself, (even the little screaming ones) I had a great time. Thank you Staz, I'm just sorry you weren't there to see it with me...well, maybe not. She gets along with planes about as well as she gets along with spiders. But perhaps she can enjoy the awesome shots that I took. Maybe I'll figure out how to share them on here too.

And on top of that, a trip to NYC at the end of the week. An actual vacation for the two of us after a 3 year dry spell, due mainly to financial insecurity and job instability. Our last vacation was really just a weekend trip to lake Erie, after which I was laid off from a really promising job. Its been an uphill battle for financial survival ever since, and money is NEVER far from our minds. We'll be seeing Manhattan ona pretty tight budget, but we're seeing it, alone, together, and thats all that I could ask for.

2003-07-11T10:30:00.000-04:00

So, anyway, I was just feeling really melancholy that life seems to be passing me by. I know we probably all feel that way, but its never been this strong. I mean, its the middle of July, and I haven't swam, or boated, or golfed, or ridden a bike, or anything that I LOVE about summer yet. Where I come from, July means the summer is half over. And yet, all I do is work, and bitch about work, and obsess about finding other work. I haven't taken a decent vacation in 3 years, and its like a weight dragging my head into the sand. I'm sure it hs affected my outlook and creativity. The ideas just don't come as easily, and when they do, they're disjointed, and frail, like wisps of smoke that often blow away before I can bring them to fruition.

And more than that, part of me can't help but look at others and be envious. THEY don't have to roll pennies to buy gas to get to work tomorrow. THEY get a week's vacation. THEY seem so much happier. They're not of course, but its easy to believe them so. Its foolish and completely counter-productive. 'Do not compare yourself to others, for you will become vain or bitter.' But sometimes I just can't seem to help it.

So where are we at? still trying to make ends meet, still relying on stupid cash advance places, still trying to get someone to give us money for a house, with awful credit, little income, and no job security. This is not where I wanted to be at 30, and the road out of it just looks so long, and so difficult, that at times I don't think things will ever change. That I'll be 65, with no retirement, forced out of a decent-paying engineer job by some college puke willing to make a fraction of the pay, and working at McD's to supplement our meager social security. A lifetime of study and hard work reduced to that, with nothing to show for it.

Not a real attractive scenario, even if you forgive the over-dramatization. So what about a business opportunity, my own to be precise. Not stopping at self-employment either, although that is how you start. But I'm talking about starting something meaningful, that does good work, fun work, that can grow over time and become a prosperous company. It can be done. I've been a part of some of those and have learned a lot from them, both good and bad. So what can I do that would make people come to me? How can I add value? Thats the kicker. I've put some thought into it, and I want to start up a robotic systems integrator, complete with machine shop, so no off-site fabrication, maybe find a niche market like water-jet cutting or arc welding cells. Thats what I want, a fun, interesting company that can attract good talent and put out a good product. In addition to making things better, faster, cheaper, more efficient. Its what I do, and what I really enjoy doing.

Well, its an idea anyway, like thousands of others. Does it have a chance at success? Maybe. But I've GOT to get back into automation. My skills are already rusty and getting more so each passing day. I need a longer job history and a LOT more credentials if I'm ever going to get a business loan. A Masters, a professional license, maybe all of the above. All of which cost money and all of which leads me right back to where I am now...

5 hours to go...

2003-07-11T08:31:00.000-04:00

Only 7.5 hours to go...

Man, I am so unmotivated today. With none of the bosses here and not much to do, I am content to sit here and ponder all things irrelevant, hence working on this... :)

Which isn't to say there isn't stuff I could be doing...stuff that will need to be done in the coming weeks, that I could get a jump on, win grand praise from my superiors, and guarantee my future at this fine company...

But I know that wouldn't happen. So I don't bother, and don't care. Rather I'm going to enjoy the idleness and do some personal stuff that needs doing. At work, I do what needs to be done and only that. I've become one of my worst nightmares...complacent.

So today my job resembles high school detention. Forced to be here, nothing to do, letting my mind wander...but now I take notes when I wander, since some of my ideas are pretty good and deserve a second look, but they are fleeting and temperamental, and don't like to stick around too long for me to get a handle on. Stay tuned, you may see some revealed here...

2003-07-02T12:03:00.000-04:00

TEST

2003-07-02T11:57:00.000-04:00

Be forewarned, I may be revealing myself as a male chauvinist (sp?) pig SOB...

Excerpt from a conversation with a female vendor / metal fabricator...

Me: So before I send you these drawings, I just need to know if the tank needs to be less than 20" in diameter.The tank heads are already picked out and are exactly 20". Do the tank heads need to sleeve over it...

Lady: No, we won't sleeve weld it, we'll just butt weld it, unless you plan on pressurizing it more than 150 psi.

Me: No, it'll only be rated at 100 psi

Lady: Okay. In that case we can add a separate weld flange and seal it all the way around. But just send me what you have and I'm sure we can take care of it.

A simple enough exchange, and a simple enough concept, but theres something odd about discussing the intricacies of metal working with a woman. She sounded more than competent, and it was a pleasant exchange. And it brings to mind something I took from my previous job. Its nice to have women around.

Now hear me out on this. I happen to be blessed from above, and I'm well aware of this fact, because I am in love with a gorgeous, intelligent, independent, kind, thoughtful, sophisticated woman. That being said, I don't even consider the working women I encounter in a romantic way. But their company is nice to have. Women in general add grace, style, color, and light to any given situation. And thats not sucking up. You guys that are accountants, lawyers, even doctors, may already be aware of this, or you may not even notice and take it for granted. But us engineers, mechanics, metal workers, plumbers, et. al. definitely appreciate it.

2003-06-30T12:16:00.000-04:00

There are times when I am overwhelmed by a feeling of panic, of imminent catastrophe. I don't know how or when it began, but I can't deny it is there. Sometimes the fear is so powerful I can hardly stand still. Anxiety attack? I suppose that could be it. I worry A LOT and I'm sure its having a negative effect on my health and stress level.

What brought me to that point today was thinking about our birthdays and a trip planned to NYC, all the while the job situation may or may not be in transition. I fear not being able to take this trip. Thats not a word to be taken lightly so I'll say it again. I FEAR not being able to go. I'm not just nervous, or worried. It is an abolute and debilitating fear, that is paralyzing at times, bordering on abject terror. I really don't know why. Things really aren't that bad. A lot of people out there don't have jobs, or loved ones, or food to eat and a place to sleep. Why does this haunt me so?

I think its because I so deperately do not want to disappoint her yet again. Maybe this time, she will finally give up on me and leave. She has asked, pleaded, begged for this, and I have listened, and planned, and PROMISED to make it happen. But what if it doesn't? Then it was all for nothing and she will almost certainly have had enough.

Sometimes it is a fear of losing everything..again. I've done it before, why should I be afraid? Because I know what its like to lose everything and it SUCKS. I don't know if I would have the will or ability to do it again if I had to.

As usual, I'm looking for a quick fix, a magical solution to all of our emotional, psychological, and financial woes. Why, if only I had a different job all of this would go away. But thats not true. It may solve some problems, may be a better choice, and provide a better future. But it still doesn't address why I think our love is conditional. The worst part is I can't simply TALK about it. All I can do is stew and worry and drive myself into the ground. Maybe then everything will be ok and I can control some small part of this life. But I doubt it...

2003-06-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

Wow, my monster resume is up to 523 hits. Very cool. I wasn't sure when I would break 500 but I seem to be getting noticed.

So why isn't the phone ringing...?

2003-06-29T17:14:00.000-04:00

This is going to be an interesting month. The job that I had been hoping for and finally got a chance to interview for last week has not called. I need to call them, I know, but am actually scared to. For the simple reason that I might find out once and for all that I didn't get it, and have to contemplate an uncertain future with my current job, which is very dissatisfying. I called on Friday, but the HR lady wasn't in, perhaps good news, as I can convince myself that she would have called, if only she was in the office. Why its only a matter of time before they give me a call and welcome me with open arms, ticker-tape parade and all...or not. It wouldn't be paradise, I've worked long enough to know that all jobs have problems. But it very closely mirrors what I think I would really enjoy doing, and have even contemplated starting a similar type business,...someday. And to be honest, I REALLY want to get away from my current position. I'm just really tired of walking on eggshells. I document everything I do, not for fear of upsetting the customer or encouraging lawsuits, but because I'm sick of getting hassled by everyone there. I hope they call...

It would help financially too I think. I hope so anyway. The math checks out. More money + less driving = even more money saved. We could go on that vacation we had planned and not stay in the hostel in Harlem. We could have a decent birthday. I could get that damn hitch so I can go sailing before it gets cold again. I could make up for the last few weeks and months and years to my Sweetie, in which shes gotten so much better at spending responsibly, but has not seen much reward for it, other than that we have food till next payday. We could save up for that house, a wedding, hell, just a ring would be nice. I think I would stop worrying then. I know she isn't convinced of that but I firmly believe it. I wasn't always like this, and I don't plan to BE always like this. I wish I could just enjoy my Sunday, because monday will be here way too damn soon, and I REALY don't want to go back there...

So with that said, off to enjoy...

2003-06-29T17:02:00.000-04:00

Why do household tasks seem to multiply instead of diminish as you do them? Just when you change the cats' box, since the smell is overpowering, you notice the carpet needs vacuumed to pick up all the nasty litter. But on your way to get the vacuum you notice that the dishes need washed, but you can't load the dishwasher until you unload the previous load. But you can't do that because the dog is bouncing up and down, eyes and legs crossed, wanting to go out. And the lawn is 3 ft high and the local suburban gestapo is eyeing your grass like its a toxic waste dump, just itching to give you a citation...

Ugh. I wish I could just ditch this and go play golf, or sail, or rollerblade. But I can't. Not because of any gestapo but because of my own guilt. Stupid Conscience.

Oh yeah, the bedroom floor needs refinishing too by the way, so that we can stop sleeping in the living room.

2003-06-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

Did I say maybe I would call? I'm definitely calling. When there are rules on which bathrooms you can use and when, its time to question your workplace and whether you really can't do better. I guess this is as good a time as any...

2003-06-27T12:54:00.000-04:00

rrrrr...man I hate credit bureaus. They waited until the last minute to perform my requested investigations, and now it will cost me $13.00 just to find out if my Credit Score improved at all. For those wondering what the hell I'm talking about, I'm trying to improve my credit report and increase my credit score to have a better chance of getting a home loan. With a past bankruptcy and $0 in the bank, you can see where this might be a challenge. But we've been slowly rebuilding. First with a new charge card, then a car loan. Next step to be a house, maybe sooner than we hope.

I don't hate my job as much as I used to. I know thats not exactly a ringing endorsement, but you have no idea how close I was to chucking everything and walking out just 2 weeks ago. Still no word from the place I talked to last week. It did look like a really cool position in a really cool company. I do hope they call, and wonder if I should make the first move or not. Maybe by the end of today...

2003-06-17T12:44:00.000-04:00

That strange feeling of hope is back again...
Funny how its so much easier to just exist, rather than actually lib=ve, to go through the motions of life, without thinking, feeling, or participating. I think thats why I've been so absent minded lately. Its too much work to focus, concentrate, and do it right. Part of it is apathy and job dissatisfaction. That is certain. But the job stops at 5, and so should the negative feelings. I'm trying really hard to let go of the little crap, to not WORRY so damn much about everything. When you really analyze worry, you realize how wasteful it is to contemplate and assume the worst case scenario for something that hasn't happened. Just fix what you can. accept what you can't, and get on with it.I wish it was that easy. Its almost as if I feel I MUST prepare for the absolute worst, because if I don't, then that is what will happen.

A new job isn't going to fix all of this. Though it will certainly help. I have an interview on Thursday with a place I've been ttrying to get into (and bitching about often to my patient fiance) for the last 2 years. I'm ALREADY getting nervous. That can't be good. I'm so afraid to hope that it will work out, because it might not. And then what? Confined for the indefiinte future to this place. I have to repeat to myself "Your will", "Your Will," meaning His will of course. Let me see what You want of me, and have planned for me, and then give me the patience, strength, and courage to achieve it. Certain bible passages are making their way through my brain, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed", meaning the smallest infinitesimal granule of faith is so incredibly powerful, if only i can harness it. That is my challenge for today, and for always, whatever I do and wherever I end up.

2003-06-13T12:20:00.000-04:00

Once again, I'm in that situation of writing about my thoughts long after they have passed, so lets see if I've forgotten anything.

The past few weeks have been very eye opening. I don't particulary care for my job/boss/industry I'm working in. I'm afraid to do anything for fear of copious amounts of criticism followed by condesension, arrogance, and just a general lack of concern or direction. As a consequence I have lost respect for my superiors, have no desire to do my job much at all, let alone do my best, and are bored because of my lack of desire to do anything. That about sum it up? And yes I am looking elsewhere, but am not stupid enough to leave evidence of that or ditch what I have when many don't even have jobs.

I had a bit of an epiphany last week, while driving home, shaking in rage from a particularly snide comment, unable to just calm down and let it go. I asked someone for help, someone I don't usually talk to. He has a lot of names but I just call Him God. Hes probably pretty sick of me being just a foul weather friend. I only seem to bring him into my life when times are their darkest. When they're good, I don't suspect He's heard even one Thank You. Well, I promised to work on that, and He promised that everything would be ok, that He would handle it. And then, I quit worrying, I quit cursing everyone and everything, I let go of all the crap. Damn that felt good. All along, I thought if I obsessed over every detail and worried about everything happening in my life then I could somehow control it and make it come out all right. But it doesn't work that way. You have to kind of throw it all up and say "here, do something with this!" And then the really hard thing, "What do YOU want me to do?" He doesn't always answer that one right away, which can be very annoying, but when you ask that, things just seem to work out. "Am I meant to stay at this job?" Because if I am, then thats what I will do, I just need to know.

But I am turning to Him more now, or at least for the past week. We'll see if I can contuinue to do so, especially if things improve and I get arrogant enough to think that I did it all myself.

2003-06-12T16:22:00.000-04:00

Hmm...no matter how much you cheer the second hand on your watch, it never seems to go any faster....Lazy SOB...

2003-06-09T11:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't talked about it a lot, but you may have noticed an anti-job feel to recent entries. Truth is its not as idyllic as I had once thought. I'm not naive enough to expect paradise. No job ever is, but this one has had an extremely short honeymoon, combined with long bouts of supreme boredom broken up by useless criticism, condescension, and disrespect. Aside form all that, my coworkers and I have nothing in common. I'm one of those people where my coworkers often become best or at least good friends, but I don't see that remotely happening here. I can barely stand to hold normal conversations. Just as an example, I actually sat back and listened to 5 men (its only a 12 person company) including the president and vice president, discuss the merits of a particular 'gentlemen's club.' I know I'm being way too magnanimous to them. I believe, 'tittie bar' was the phrase of choice. Another time I listened to one guy tell another how long he lasted during his first time...I'm not kidding. In a word, ew! I really never wanted or needed to know that.

I've done some offline journaling about this place, and two thoughts stand out, " These are so NOT my kind of people" and, "Theres a lot wrong with this job, and not a lot right." All of which has prompted me to dust off the resume once again. Wish me luck.

2003-06-09T11:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I feel a need to say this...am I tooting my own horn, or acknowledging how much I distance myself from popular culture, but I can honestly say with pride and certainty that I have never watched a single episode of:

Survivor
American Idol
The Bachelor
The Bachelorette
Joe Millionaire
Mr. Personality
The Great Race or whatever the hell its called
Married by America
Any rendition of The Real World post 1996

I'm sure there are more, these are just the ones I've heard of, but safe to say I have no interest whatsoever in watching OTHERS live their lives when I could be living my own.

I pray for a quick and painful end to reality tv...

2003-06-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

This started out as a poem, but quickly became sort of a loose prose. Consider it an ode to my day:

My watch ticks away slowly
So slowly, it does not care about me,
It laughs at my impatience
“you have somewhere to be?”

“I do indeed” I exclaim
A beautiful goddess is waiting, waiting for my return
To squeeze a day’s worth of joy and sorrow
Into a few precious hours

Is this really necessary?
Is my presence so key?
Of course not, you’re irrelevant
Just don’t leave early.

Every minute spent here, waiting for time to pass
Every minute in the car, stuck on some overpass
Is time away from her, away from my life
Away from my grand schemes and plans devised

But where did you come up with those grand schemes?
Why here of course, you have something better to do?
Besides, it’s the quietest part of my day
So perhaps some gratitude is in order
For the opportunity to think the day away
That plus you get paid…

But meanwhile the world goes on, the clock ticks by
I sit and watch the second hand sweep
I have things to do, better things than sit here
But they don’t pay as well, it is too good to pass up
I think I shall go mad…

2003-05-30T08:48:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my own insignificance. Whether it be when I'm driving to work accompanyied by several thousand of my closest friends or watching the news and the newsmakers, politicians, world leaders, scientists, physicists, police, firemen, and doctors. All of these people impact others' lives. I just can't see how mine does sometimes. I design wastewater treatment systems for companies you never heard of. Actually I can't even say that. I work for a company that does that, but I can't seem to participate to any appreciable degree. No one likes to answer my questions, or give me anything challenging to do. Before this job I designed HVAC and plumbing systems for restaurants and offices. Not really trivial I guess, but not all that important either. Nothing that could change the world for the better or win any kind of acclaim. Is that what I'm looking for? some sort of notoriety? Do I need the adoration of others to feel worthy? God I hope not. I'm not really impressed with the quality of people that can hold onto public attention. I guess I just want to feel like what I do matters. The money is nice, but its really secondary. I've had jobs where all that was required was an ability to show up and a pulse. They all sucked. I was unfulfilled, unchallenged, and unhappy.

I've heard it said not to worry about being a great man, just be a man. Good advice. And this man is not nearly as tolerant of being a cog as he used to be. I see so many things that could be done better, faster, cheaper, more efficient. It is my blessing and my curse I suppose. "The curse of the engineer". (Directed by Quentin Tarantino) But no one listens to me. What the hell do I know, I'm the new guy. I can be so stubborn sometimes. I like to do things my way, and no other. But sometimes my way is the only way that will work...right?

sigh...I need to start my own business. I think I'm the only person who can possibly put up with myself as an employee...or win my grudging respect...

So...how do I do that?

2003-05-28T12:30:00.000-04:00

Theres something about sights, smells, and sounds to bring back memories, both good and bad. Fortunately, I am blessed with a selective brain that likes to forget (most of) the bad stuff. And so, finally being able to DRIVE to work again rather than take the bus, and the added bonus of being able to select which music I want to listen to, I find myself listening to ancient CDs and remembering. Listening to Dar Williams' 3rd CD on the 45 minute morning commutes from Novi to Pontiac.( I wouldn't find her first two until much later) Then there were the 3 hour long drives to mom's house every weekend in the summer to enjoy her lake and small town life. I could listen to Katherine Whalen, Natalie Merchant, Sarah Maclaughlin, and maybe even squeeze in a Russian CD during that trip. The Russian ones are great mementos too, of a once-in-a lifetime trip that I was lucky enough to take twice. Try to imagine mid-80's pop complete with keyboards and synthezisers (sp?) but in a completely foreign language. But you don't have to understand them to sing along. I did at one time, but the brain has rusted up pretty good since then.

But lots of new stuff too, thanks to a woman who is SO not a square like I am, or least was at one time. Alicia Keyes, Susan Tedeschi, John Mayer (Damn him to hell for raisiing the bar for guys everywhere) David Gray, and many others that I'm drawing a blank on. None of which I would have heard of let alone obtained their stuff without her help. And don't forget Tori, or the new Dar either. I gotta keep a little of myself...

2003-05-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

Participation Positives:

-- Sitting next to a really great, kind, sweet, beautiful woman, whom I love very much.
-- A full pantry
-- Sturdily constructed homes
-- Discounted shoes
-- Watching someone else buy new outfits, and feeling much sexier as a result
-- new car smell...on a 3yr old car
-- Being able to take out my best girl...
-- independent films that make us laugh
-- Intimate moments
-- sharing a nice sunday brunch with yummy pancakes and french toast with my sweetie
-- looking at a fixer-upper house together and dreaming of the future, no matter when it may happen
-- having healthy animals
-- live Mexican music during dinner on Friday night
-- making up at 4am
-- waking up on sunday morning in her arms after stealing all the covers.
-- showering together
-- Friendly neighbors, both new and old, who offer tools and doggie play dates
-- A dog that mystifies and entices all she encounters, making it possible to meet said neighbors
-- Working. Being challenged and helping a small company not be so small.
-- 2nd Chance loans, & new (to me) cars
-- Calculators & spell check
-- dirty talk
-- being forced to do positives

2003-05-11T03:42:00.000-04:00

I'm in a quandry about this site/journal/personal endeavor. It was developed and maintained through that most precious commodity: time. I had plenty of it when I wasn't working. Now that I am (if you didn't know, I am working for this place) free time is fleeting, and usually spent taking care of animals, home repair, vehicle maintenance or cuddling with the most beautiful woman in the world. And since this had become so singly focused, an unemployment log of sorts, I need a new direction to take. Sort of like all those war bloggers who now find their content limited to "I had tuna today for lunch, it was good." There are issues with the job, as there always are, and always will be, which will probably be discussed later. Their are relationship fires that spring up and very special moments shared that are worthy of recording and sharing with the rest of the world. So I don't think this is going to go away, nor should it. I have always seemed to communicate better with writing than with talking. It just needs a facelift, a new direction, a fresh start. So expect some major changes, soon as I get around to it...

2003-04-23T12:12:00.000-04:00

WHats this strange feeling I have...? Just can't put my finger on it. If I didn't know better, I'd say it might be...hope? Yes, I think thats it, I actually feel hopeful about the future. Nothing like a huge influx of cash to give you a positive outlook. :)

Even if it is a loan, it still means no more scrounging for crumbs, asking relatives, or going to overpriced cash advance places for the time being. Its funny how, when you have no money, life sucks, but its so much simpler. Now that we have this windfall, there is a tremendous amount of pressure not to squander it. I'm drawing up proposals for myself, looking at every feasible use, factor in every need, factor out every want, or at least teh most frivolous. Sigh. Wish us luck.

2003-04-15T00:43:00.000-04:00

Trying something new:
Participation Positives:

- After a month of fruitlessly pounding the pavement, shoving my resume in front of anyone with a pulse, and begging scum and lowlifes for an interview, I have a job!
- With a good company for good money
- and working with pretty cool people
- including an eccentric boss who seems willing to bend over backwards to help out a down-on-his-luck employee
- Our car still runs, and fairly well, despite all evidence to the contrary.
- Even if it didn't, I can still get to work and back thanks to a top notch public transit system
- We are free of codependent chihuahua, and are $40.00 richer to boot
- I have people who care enough about me and my family to loan us much needed cash.
- The rent cleared without a hitch. We have a roof over our heads a little while longer.
- I did my state taxes and discovered the state of Ohio owed ME money, for a change.
- I love and am loved by a delightful, creative, witty, beautiful woman, who fills my life with joy...
- ...and animals. :) Whom I cherish and love too.
- I can see, and hear, and smell the world around me and all of its wonder and glory.
- I am (relatively) young and healthy, and still feel the best is yet to come.
- I am a part of the greatest country in the world, where freedom is cherished, and where we exhault in the newfound freedom of others.

fell better? I do I hate it when shes right...

2003-04-12T22:54:00.000-04:00

The thing about having a blog, and having no time, is that you have to put off writing about things when they are fresh in your mind. So you put it off, jotting down a note here and a note there. But the original passion you once had never quite makes it on the page...or does it? I guess I'll let you be the judge...

When you're fortunate enough to land a job in a tough market, and you happen to find the work interesting and the people friendly, and the experience positve, its a good idea to actually be able to get there on a regular basis. But that may prove more difficult than originally thought. Turns out no dealer, bank, or finance company will give you a car loan based on a simple letter of intent (This man is going to work for me, at $xx.xx per hour, blah blah blah) They want an actual pay stub, something I'll not receive for many more weeks. I'm pretty irritated with the whole car buying experience. Thank God for public transportation Turns out I can get to work with relative ease, although the bus stop is about 1.5 miles from the office. But get this, everyone seems anxious to help me out with that last mile and a half. I think this will work out after all.

Not that I could really afford a second car anyway. The insurance on the first one is late as of now, and we can barely keep the gas tank filled. I'm scared to death of the next few weeks. With no check expected for a while, and no money to live on, I am at a complete loss on how to survive the next few days. I've already borrowed from too many people and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. And between lawyer fees, back taxes, and late utilities, I just don't think a car is an option right now.

I am so utterly tired and frustrated with our animals. Let me just preface this by saying we have 5 (yes, 5) cats, whom are actually really well behaved and who I care for very much. Although occasionally attention starved, they take care of themselves and keep busy on their own. Not long ago, we got a dog, an adorable beagle puppy that I've mentioned previously. Although she fits in perfectly, the demands on attention are astronomical. Then factor in a codependent, man-hating, nervous, neurotic little chihuahua that we're dogsitting, and you have no less than seven animals in this house that we are responsible for feeding, exercising, cleaning, etc. It is so utterly exasperating to keep all of them appeased and still find time for each other, let alone yourself. I can't leave the house because the beagle freaks out if you're gone for 2 minutes. I can't walk the chihuahua when she has to pee because she doesn't trust me enough to let me near her. I cant even take a dump in my own house because of what the dogs might do to the cats in my absence and vice versa. Are you getting the idea? And forget about normal household chores...the dishes aren't done, the laundry is piles upon piles, and the house is a complete mess. I've had it with these animals. They're driving me crazy!

Sigh...don't get me wrong. I do love them, each of them...well, maybe except for the chihuahua. (shes gone tomorrow. woo hoo!) Even the beagle, who minus the separation issues is the perfect dog. Its just so frustrating to have no time to do what you want. Even intimate moments between me and Staz are either interrupted, or truncated, or nonexistent because of these animals. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like without them. Being able to go out, or even out of town...for days! and not have to worry. I don't really know what I want. I certainly couldn't get rid of any of them, and I don't like things as they are. I guess I'm just waiting for everyone to get along and everything to return to normal, so I can just worry about money, instead of all these animals.

2003-04-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked about the war much lately. For a lot of reasons, none the least of which is that it is already being done by many many others with much more time, knowledge, and ability than I. I also haven't followed minute by minute coverage of the thing, since tv time is hard to come by. (Maybe if the tv was in the office...) I'm also reminded of a quote, I have no idea by whom, or the exact text, and spent way too much time trying to find both online. But it goes something like, freedom takes a back seat to hunger. Spoken by a dictator of some sort, illustrating how if your people are starving, and you give them food, they won't care what a tyranical dictator you are. As selfish as it may sound, with boys a hell of a lot younger than I fighting and dying many thousands of miles away, I find that our current financial crisis had bogarted my entire brain, and made it difficult to concentrate on anything outside of my tiny world. Now, with that al said, go read this guy. Not so much a blogger as an essayist, I've found his stuff to be nothing les than incredible, and have gained a lot of perspective on this conflict as well as a lot of other things. Go visit his bloglist...er, 'wingmen' too.

2003-04-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

Does this mean I have to change the title of this page?

Its funny, I had a big long essay on money and poverty rolling around my head, which I wanted to get down, and now that I am, things don't look quite so hopeless. After one interview with this place they were impressed enough to make me a pseudo-job offer. No firm numbers but it looks equal or more than the last position. Always a good thing. So now my biggest problem is what to do with my interview on Thursday. Should I cancel, or see what they got? Oh well, we'll hold off on that for a day.

But what I had wanted to write, back when things looked so utterly bleak and hopeless, was some observations about money and poverty and things like that. Now poverty is a strong word. And according to the government, I don't fit the definition. So if you have another way to describe not having enough money to buy the food and gas you need for your family, I'd like to hear it. But we'll use poverty for now. Does it seem odd to lump food and gas in the same category? It shouldn't. I'm reminded of a quote, I think it was by General Montgomery, possibly even Patton, but I'm not really sure. "My men can eat their shoe leather but my tanks gotta have gas." The ability to get where you need to go is vital to survival just as much as eating. Whether it is the ability to go to an interview, go to the store, or go to the post office to mail more resumes.

The worst thing about poverty is the way it quite literally crushes your spirit. It is a relentless foe that can be of such magnitude, such a malignant behemoth of a creature, as to feel like a gigantic weight that you carry around with you at all times. Once it crushes your spirit, it takes your hope soon after. There doesn't appear to be any way you will ever get ahead. Eventually, you owe EVERYONE something, and it feels like there is no place left to go. This brings to mind a money myth I seem to have inadvertently exposed. I used to think that Bankruptcy was at the end of the financial spectrum. That once you filed, you would be at rock bottom and could only move up. But I was wrong. Bankruptcy is just the beginning. Not being able to pay your lawyer, not being able to pay your taxes, not being able to buy food, or just barely enough food to last until next paycheck. Or worse, having to consistenly rely on those damn check advance places. All of these things consitute pretty much rock bottom. Well, barring foreclosure and eviction I suppose. Funy thing is, at a certain point, you get accustomed to to it. You become so acclimated to worry, doubt, fear, that you don't remember what it was like before this gruesome threesome took up permanent residence in your head. You learn all the tricks of scraping by just one more day. You gas the car AFTER you've used up all of your cash, because as long as there is $0.10 left in your bank account, you can still use pay-at-the pump and put however much you want in the tank. Will you overdraw? Of course. But you can get home that day.

A thought occurred to me the other day. I'd finally quit blaming other people, isolated events, even God for my woes. Once I realized that I had no regrets, that I wouldn't have changed any of it, the people in my life, the experiences I've gone through, I felt a lot better. And I thought of a poem, a rather long one about praying to God that I don't remember much of, nor can I give the much-deserved credit to its author. "I asked for riches, so that I may enjoy good things, I was given poverty, so that I may feel the need for God. I was given nothing that I asked for, and everything that I ever wanted." Its a great poem. I'll have to see if I can find it...I love the internet...Found it Apparently I screwed some things up, but I still love it. Perhaps this long, bumpy road, which is by no means over by the way, does have some purpose.

In the meantime, it looks like I have a job. Not just any job, but a well-paying job with friendly people in a good locale. I hope it all goes well. Now I just have to figure out what to do with a puppy with a serious case of separation anxiety...always somethin... :)

2003-03-29T00:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the phone has stopped ringing totally now, which led me to make some changes to my resume. I decided it needed more attention-grabbing buzzwords, like 'utilize', and 'supervise', and 'manage', and 'continuous improvement.' We'll see how the new and improved resume does...

Got an interview lined up for next week though. Wish me luck. Its not automation, but it does sound interesting. Its a company that deals with Wastewater Management. Oh shut up, it does too sound interesting. Go here if you don't believe me. Its in Northern Ky, which would suit me fine. My fiance, who would like to be known henceforth as Stazi (I didn't have the heart to tell her that thats what the East German secret police were called) and I would like to stay near Cincinnati, but still get away from these damn Buckeyes.

2003-03-26T13:27:00.000-05:00

rrrrrrrr....Have I mentioned how much I HATE headhunters? ...excuse me...'Executive Recruiters.' They're little more than used car salesmen who deal in people, so they're actually a lot worse. Its rare that you actually find one who looks at you as a person who is strugglng and in need of a job. You're just a skill set, that maybe they can convince a company to pay them for. I love it when they ask if I know anyone else who is looking for work after telling me that I'm not a good match. Translation. I can't/won't/am unwilling to help you, but maybe I can extract one last piece of useful info from your brain before I hang up on you. And why isn't ANYONE willing to train anyone anymore? I can pick up a new software in about 2 months. I can become a guru at it in 4 to 6. I learned AutoCad, Deneb, Robcad, CATIA, all on the job, and all in that time frame. But the minute I tell them my experience, I get, yes, but this involves PRO-E, or SolidWorks, or something like that. So I'm not a good match. I haven't stopped learning you great colossal ass. Just give me a shot and I will be better than you at it in a short while...

Anyway...just venting. Friggin Headhunters...

2003-03-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

Something there is about having a dog, and walking your dog in an urban area. Let alone if that dog is a cute, adorable, little beagle puppy that loves everyone she meets. All of a sudden, I am an instant celebrity, well, ok, a minor celebrity anyway, sort of like your local newscaster or weatherman, but still a celebrity. She puts a smile on everyone's face. Everyone feels inclined to walk up and talk to you while they pet her. (And she eats it up too. You field the usual questions: is that a beagle? how old is she? Whats her name? and the usual observations: Shes so cute. We had a dog like that, they're great. I think I've gotten to know more of my neighbors in the past 3 weeks than the past 3 years. Just something about a dog.

Nothing new on the job front. A lot of warm leads but also a lot of 'don't call us, we'll call you' too.

2003-03-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

So much to write about...

The war is going extraordinarily well. The gound forces are already en route, which I dod not expect. I expected the same playbook as 91 in which months of air attacks preceded any gound movement. But perhaps thats what the Iraqis expected too. All the more reason not to do it. resistance appears to be even more pathetic than last time. Obvisously, Saddam's citizens as well as military have no great love for him. Theres even speculation that Saddam was even taken out in the early goings of the war. If so, this would be an unprecedented step toward quick military victories. No longer do we batter an enemies forces, battle after bloody battle, until we finally reach the capital and demand surrender. We just take them out from the top, and see if anyone still wants to stand against us. If he is dead, it means a couple of things. First is that we have assets (Special Forces) on the ground in Baghdad. No big surprise there. Second is that they were shadowing the big cheese so as to pinpoint his exact location (via laser designator most likely) for precision bombing to take place. A very well-thought out, well executed operation. It will be interesting to see if this qualifies as an 'assassination' which the U.S government forbids it self from doing. I personally don't have a problem with it either way. I can't think of a better way to end this war as quickly as possible.

On a personal level, aside from following different aspects of strategy and logisitics of the war, I'm feeling pretty useless. I'm not fighting, I'm not protesting, I'm not counter protesting, I'm definitely not working or producing anything...I just sort of am...taking my dog for walks, listening to the radio, and waiting. Apparently I don't get all of the benefits I was counting on, so a lot of things are in jeapardy, none the least of which is next months rent. I'm out of my funk and ready to procede, but I need ,materials, envelopes, stamps, resumes, to do it. I still can't help feeling that it will all work out, but the logical part of my brain has no idea how this can be.

Went to, or rather was taken, to the Tori Amos concert last night by my lovely fiance. I haven't mentioned her yet. We'll just call her Anna. A great show as always. We had our doubts about seating, but I don't think there are any bad seats in the Taft (Cincinnati) I've found her concerts to be pretty powerful, not necessarily for myself, but I can see and feel the power she has over many that are there. I can appreciate an extraordinarily talented songwriter/singer/musician/performer, but she shes more than that to a lot of people, none the least of which is Anna. As I watched her, wide eyes, big smile, bobbing and nodding her head, and screaming, I could tell she was eagerly soaking up every moment, catching every number, every note, every nuance, so as to forever preserve this night in her memory. I couldn't help but be pleased, and maybe a litle jealous, of these places that someone else can reach but I cannot. But I can't complain. She would not be who she is today without tis particular artist, and for that I am very grateful.

2003-03-19T23:49:00.000-05:00

And so it begins...

I must be completely honest in that I have nothing really personal at stake in a war such as this. Neither myself nor anyone I know is active military. That being said, I do believe the cause is just and victory is certain. This will be remembered as one of the best military operations following one of the worst diplomatic fiascos of all time. President Bush managed to piss off a great number of our allies with his bluster and arrogance. I look back at the work his father did 12 years ago. Just about every Arab nation was behind us then. Secretary of State James Baker actually convinced the Israelis not to retaliate even though scuds were landing on their citizens. Talk about a diplomatic dream team. All we had to do was address the concerns of the Russians, French, et al. Do we really think they have any great love for Saddam? Of course not. They just want to get something out of their ill-conceived investment in him.

Oh well, Monday morning quaterbacking I guess. I got this direct from MSNBC, "NBC News’ Jim Miklaszewski reported that U.S. forces had launched a preliminary wave of attacks using B-1, B-2, B-52 bombers, as well as F-117 “stealth” bombers flying from three aircraft carriers" Can I just say that NONE of these aircraft can deploy from an aircraft carrier. Not one. Though I can at least appreciate calling the F-117 a stealth bomber. It is not a 'fighter' as it was so often referred to in '91. I would love to see someone land a B-52 on the Ike. Can you imagine the wake it would churn up? Idiots...I would have hoped reporters would get their shit straight in this war. What the hell was I thinking?

2003-03-18T16:18:00.000-05:00

Ugh...why I am I so unmotivated to do this? Its not like theres no sense of urgency. With savings dwindling and bills approaching I need a job right now, or as soon as possible. I guess it all feels like I've ben there and done that. Most of the resumes going out now are to companies I applied to before, a year ago, two years ago, or both. They didn't call before, why would they call now? I need to break out of this apathy before it kills all of my chances of finding anything and we're really screwed. At least make some follow-up phone calls or something. Its so frustrating. We lived like paupers for a year and FINALLY caught up on everything. Bills were actualy current. We may have even had a surplus for the month. I can't remember the last time that happened. We were dreaming of a new(er) car, maybe even a house, or a wedding. At least a ring...and then it all gets ripped away. And I live in perpetual worry about if theres gas in the car or food on the table.

By the way, I am totally not impressed with Dubya. This war might be the best path to achieve peace for the world, but it looks to me liks some sort of personal vendetta on his part. He needs to pay more attention to domestic issues, and it will likely be his undoing, not unlike Bush 1. And as for promised tax reform, the single guys are still getting screwed. With no dependents, there are no deductions, no Earned income Creidt, nothing. So thats one more bill I have to beg off on for now...

2003-03-17T02:30:00.000-05:00

Of all the arrogant, disrespectful, condescending assholes I have ever had to deal with in my perpetual job search, this one had to take the cake. Worse than the Bimmer driving, ascot wearing Buffoon I used to work for even, and thats no small accomplishment. This guy actually told me to expect a call the next day with the details of an offer. I had to call HIM back 3 days later to learn that, oh yeah, they're still interviewing, they I don't have the proper skill sets. But don't worry, you're still in the running. We'll ket you know our decision...IF we pick you. Otherwise, they just leave me hanging I guess. And believe me, that frosts me even more. I have a tremendous amount of respect for HR people who actually have the decency to call me up and say, No, you weren't picked. I can accept that. I can't stand just waiting for a call that never comes. I sincerely hope this guy calls me and makes me an offer though, so I can shove it in his fat, smug little face. I don't care how good it is (and it won't be) No job is worth that kind of treatment.

There was this thing called professionalism. At least I think. I always heard stories but haven't seen much of it. There were things like severance packages when you were laid off. They actually let you work your two weeks when you gave notice. They didn't have security escort you to the door like a petty thief. You were treated with respect and gave it back in return. I've experienced this before, and its a great thing. One of my previous jobs involved owners who were likable, honest, and caring, not to mention congenial. But this seems to be the exception rather than the rule. The perennial job search has done alot to sour my outlook on careers, corporations, and people in general. There was I time when I looked up to the wealthy, as people to be learned from and respected, who were intelligent and earned that wealth and the power that came with it through honest, hard work. Now, however, I see that intelligence, ability, and honesty have nothing whatsoever to do with wealth and success. With some otherwise notable exceptions, the wealthy achieved that status not through hard work, but dishonesty, conniving, stepping on everyone and everything to achieve it, eventually disposing of everyone who helped them along the way. If this is what it takes to be them, then they can have it...

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. A 4 year degree is an automatic ticket to success right? or so I was led to believe. Unemployment was never even part of the equation. But the truth is it doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference, other than that I owe more money. I could have gotten a G.E.D, become a carpenter's apprentice, joined a union, and be making a hell of a lot more money now than with an engineering degree from a Nationally recognized school. Maybe not...but sometimes it feels that way.

2003-03-14T19:57:00.000-05:00

testing something... again.

2003-03-14T02:34:00.000-05:00

Well, I wrote a nice long cool post about a lot of cool stuff on my mind, but then I hit post and Blogger freaked and now its gone. Better luck next time I guess...

2003-03-13T02:22:00.000-05:00

Okay, so why am I here? Did a see a new bandwagon that I had to be a part of? Did I think the blogosphere REALLY needed another politically opinionated journalist? Is it so important to me that everyone know that I had pancakes for breakfast and my dog pooped on the carpet today. No, not really. I'm here because I can be. Nothing like being laid off twice in a year to give you some much needed free time. I also made someone very close to me and whom I love very much a promise that I would do this if I ever had that time. It seems to be so therapeutic for her, a venting mechanism and a log of the day's events. My memory is so atrocious that I think I would enjoy reading entires from last month (hell, who am I kidding...last week) I have ulterior motives as well. I am sincerely hoping my writing improves. I used to read and write so much as a kid, and it showed in my ability to communicate and understand the world around me. But that is no longer the case, unless you count perusing the most recent Car & Driver for the next mistake coming out of Detroit (Sorry I digress, subjects for later entries are promised). Bottom line is that this thing is for my benefit. I certainly enjoy visitors but will not be heartbroken if my sitemeter is quiet. Truth be told I don't even have a sitemeter, or moveable type, or any working knowledge of HTML for that matter. So you're pretty much stuck with a standard blogger template, no cool links, no cool fonts, I don't even know how to italicize! But some topical and caustic issues you might expect from me in the not too distant future.

Jobs - Again, laid off two...no three times in a year. I've been a cube-dweller most of my career and will try to offer insights you haven't seen in Dilbert or Office Space.
Aging - Currently undergoing transition from 20's to 30's
Politics - Conservative & Catholic. What a toxic combination. I would probably support a war in Iraq if SOMEBODY could please articulate a logical, well-thought out position. I don't like Bush, but voted for him, and will probably have to hold my nose and vote for him again...
Technobabble - Despite being HTML ignorant, I am very computer literate and used to handle sys admin stuff where I USED to work. :P I have a degree in Mechanical Engineering and love working with automation (Thats robots to me & You) I love being an engineer, finding better ways to do things. I just need to find someone willing to keep me around!

2003-03-08T03:05:00.000-05:00

Testing...