So how was NYC you ask? Marvelous, fantastic, awe inspiring, poignant, well worth the trip, even if it wasn't the first time. I've been there twice and STILL haven't seen everything. From the heights of Empire State to the sorrows of Ground Zero, truly a great time.
And now...a really bad case of post-vacation depression. Back to work, to unpaid and late bills, to ornery bosses and clock watching, to long commutes and piece of sh*& cars with no air conditioning, to turning 30 and feeling very underachieving in the process. (Although I will say that its not as bad as turning 25. Go figure...) I'm hoping it passes, and soon, as I am very apathetic and don't like feeling this way.
Crow - 4:09 PM
Monday, July 21, 2003
Ok, so now that I've updated the really cool stuff going on, its time to get introspective again. As I look through the papers, and the web sites for job opportunities, I find myself beginning to doubt if this is the right way to go. I DO NOT want to jump from one bad situation to a worse one. And maybe there will always be SOMEONE who pisses you off and makes your working life hell. The question I really need to ask is whether or not I'm happy, and if not, is it my job's fault? And if so, what can be done about it....
Thats a tall order, and no shortage of thinking and progression involved. I can say that I don't feel happy at my job. I tolerate it. I do what I have to. But I tend to shirk responsibility and look forward only to my next paycheck. I wasn't always like that. I've worked many hours of unpaid overtime for companies that I enjoyed working for and felt appreciated at. This just isn't the case. So, lets look at the long term rather than the short term. What do I REALLY want? A company where the individuals don't tell me I can't do something that way because THEY said so. The best way to do that is to run the company myself. Simple huh? So how can I add value? What do I really want to do? Whatever my next move is, It HAS to further that goal. I am really sick of casting about looking for the next big opportunity from someone else only to be disappointed. One thing that this place has taught me is that size and competency aren't necessary to run a business. (although they do help) I've played with the notionof going back to school to get a masters, but I don't think this is the answer. The money invested would be substantial, and I don't think it would pay for itself. It would only be of value if I work for someone else, who is impressed by such things. I need to learn more focused, technical stuff. PLC programming, individual robots and their functions, languages, and programming. Basic metalworking too. I need to learn all of these things somehow. Will financial aod cover technical training...not likely. But its something to think about.
I'm going to be 30 years old...ugh. I really though my career would be further along at this point, rather than scrounging through a crappy economy for whatever came up. I DO NOT want to be doing that at 40, when the next recession hits.
I have a goal...I need a plan. I'm usually the other way around. This is going to take a lot of thought, and prayer, and time to figure out...
Crow - 10:33 AM
Ok, so maybe I do tend to write only when I'm depressed, or worried, or ranting, or pissed off, or whatever. But then some might say that I'm ALWAYS like that. But not this weekend. Thanks to the wonderful woman in my life, I got to enjoy an early birthday surprise by going here. I haven't seen an airshow in a long, long time, and this one was definitely the one to see. I'd seen both the Thunderbirds and Blue Angels before, but never both on the same day. Between that, and the tons of aircraft they had parked out for you view, and being surrounded by a few hundred thousand plane geeks like myself, (even the little screaming ones) I had a great time. Thank you Staz, I'm just sorry you weren't there to see it with me...well, maybe not. She gets along with planes about as well as she gets along with spiders. But perhaps she can enjoy the awesome shots that I took. Maybe I'll figure out how to share them on here too.
And on top of that, a trip to NYC at the end of the week. An actual vacation for the two of us after a 3 year dry spell, due mainly to financial insecurity and job instability. Our last vacation was really just a weekend trip to lake Erie, after which I was laid off from a really promising job. Its been an uphill battle for financial survival ever since, and money is NEVER far from our minds. We'll be seeing Manhattan ona pretty tight budget, but we're seeing it, alone, together, and thats all that I could ask for.
Crow - 10:21 AM
Friday, July 11, 2003
So, anyway, I was just feeling really melancholy that life seems to be passing me by. I know we probably all feel that way, but its never been this strong. I mean, its the middle of July, and I haven't swam, or boated, or golfed, or ridden a bike, or anything that I LOVE about summer yet. Where I come from, July means the summer is half over. And yet, all I do is work, and bitch about work, and obsess about finding other work. I haven't taken a decent vacation in 3 years, and its like a weight dragging my head into the sand. I'm sure it hs affected my outlook and creativity. The ideas just don't come as easily, and when they do, they're disjointed, and frail, like wisps of smoke that often blow away before I can bring them to fruition.
And more than that, part of me can't help but look at others and be envious. THEY don't have to roll pennies to buy gas to get to work tomorrow. THEY get a week's vacation. THEY seem so much happier. They're not of course, but its easy to believe them so. Its foolish and completely counter-productive. 'Do not compare yourself to others, for you will become vain or bitter.' But sometimes I just can't seem to help it.
So where are we at? still trying to make ends meet, still relying on stupid cash advance places, still trying to get someone to give us money for a house, with awful credit, little income, and no job security. This is not where I wanted to be at 30, and the road out of it just looks so long, and so difficult, that at times I don't think things will ever change. That I'll be 65, with no retirement, forced out of a decent-paying engineer job by some college puke willing to make a fraction of the pay, and working at McD's to supplement our meager social security. A lifetime of study and hard work reduced to that, with nothing to show for it.
Not a real attractive scenario, even if you forgive the over-dramatization. So what about a business opportunity, my own to be precise. Not stopping at self-employment either, although that is how you start. But I'm talking about starting something meaningful, that does good work, fun work, that can grow over time and become a prosperous company. It can be done. I've been a part of some of those and have learned a lot from them, both good and bad. So what can I do that would make people come to me? How can I add value? Thats the kicker. I've put some thought into it, and I want to start up a robotic systems integrator, complete with machine shop, so no off-site fabrication, maybe find a niche market like water-jet cutting or arc welding cells. Thats what I want, a fun, interesting company that can attract good talent and put out a good product. In addition to making things better, faster, cheaper, more efficient. Its what I do, and what I really enjoy doing.
Well, its an idea anyway, like thousands of others. Does it have a chance at success? Maybe. But I've GOT to get back into automation. My skills are already rusty and getting more so each passing day. I need a longer job history and a LOT more credentials if I'm ever going to get a business loan. A Masters, a professional license, maybe all of the above. All of which cost money and all of which leads me right back to where I am now...
5 hours to go...
Crow - 10:30 AM
Only 7.5 hours to go...
Man, I am so unmotivated today. With none of the bosses here and not much to do, I am content to sit here and ponder all things irrelevant, hence working on this... :)
Which isn't to say there isn't stuff I could be doing...stuff that will need to be done in the coming weeks, that I could get a jump on, win grand praise from my superiors, and guarantee my future at this fine company...
But I know that wouldn't happen. So I don't bother, and don't care. Rather I'm going to enjoy the idleness and do some personal stuff that needs doing. At work, I do what needs to be done and only that. I've become one of my worst nightmares...complacent.
So today my job resembles high school detention. Forced to be here, nothing to do, letting my mind wander...but now I take notes when I wander, since some of my ideas are pretty good and deserve a second look, but they are fleeting and temperamental, and don't like to stick around too long for me to get a handle on. Stay tuned, you may see some revealed here...
Crow - 8:31 AM
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
TEST
Crow - 12:03 PM
Be forewarned, I may be revealing myself as a male chauvinist (sp?) pig SOB...
Excerpt from a conversation with a female vendor / metal fabricator...
Me: So before I send you these drawings, I just need to know if the tank needs to be less than 20" in diameter.The tank heads are already picked out and are exactly 20". Do the tank heads need to sleeve over it...
Lady: No, we won't sleeve weld it, we'll just butt weld it, unless you plan on pressurizing it more than 150 psi.
Me: No, it'll only be rated at 100 psi
Lady: Okay. In that case we can add a separate weld flange and seal it all the way around. But just send me what you have and I'm sure we can take care of it.
A simple enough exchange, and a simple enough concept, but theres something odd about discussing the intricacies of metal working with a woman. She sounded more than competent, and it was a pleasant exchange. And it brings to mind something I took from my previous job. Its nice to have women around.
Now hear me out on this. I happen to be blessed from above, and I'm well aware of this fact, because I am in love with a gorgeous, intelligent, independent, kind, thoughtful, sophisticated woman. That being said, I don't even consider the working women I encounter in a romantic way. But their company is nice to have. Women in general add grace, style, color, and light to any given situation. And thats not sucking up. You guys that are accountants, lawyers, even doctors, may already be aware of this, or you may not even notice and take it for granted. But us engineers, mechanics, metal workers, plumbers, et. al. definitely appreciate it.
Crow - 11:57 AM
Monday, June 30, 2003
There are times when I am overwhelmed by a feeling of panic, of imminent catastrophe. I don't know how or when it began, but I can't deny it is there. Sometimes the fear is so powerful I can hardly stand still. Anxiety attack? I suppose that could be it. I worry A LOT and I'm sure its having a negative effect on my health and stress level.
What brought me to that point today was thinking about our birthdays and a trip planned to NYC, all the while the job situation may or may not be in transition. I fear not being able to take this trip. Thats not a word to be taken lightly so I'll say it again. I FEAR not being able to go. I'm not just nervous, or worried. It is an abolute and debilitating fear, that is paralyzing at times, bordering on abject terror. I really don't know why. Things really aren't that bad. A lot of people out there don't have jobs, or loved ones, or food to eat and a place to sleep. Why does this haunt me so?
I think its because I so deperately do not want to disappoint her yet again. Maybe this time, she will finally give up on me and leave. She has asked, pleaded, begged for this, and I have listened, and planned, and PROMISED to make it happen. But what if it doesn't? Then it was all for nothing and she will almost certainly have had enough.
Sometimes it is a fear of losing everything..again. I've done it before, why should I be afraid? Because I know what its like to lose everything and it SUCKS. I don't know if I would have the will or ability to do it again if I had to.
As usual, I'm looking for a quick fix, a magical solution to all of our emotional, psychological, and financial woes. Why, if only I had a different job all of this would go away. But thats not true. It may solve some problems, may be a better choice, and provide a better future. But it still doesn't address why I think our love is conditional. The worst part is I can't simply TALK about it. All I can do is stew and worry and drive myself into the ground. Maybe then everything will be ok and I can control some small part of this life. But I doubt it...
Crow - 12:16 PM
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Wow, my monster resume is up to 523 hits. Very cool. I wasn't sure when I would break 500 but I seem to be getting noticed.
So why isn't the phone ringing...?
Crow - 10:56 PM
This is going to be an interesting month. The job that I had been hoping for and finally got a chance to interview for last week has not called. I need to call them, I know, but am actually scared to. For the simple reason that I might find out once and for all that I didn't get it, and have to contemplate an uncertain future with my current job, which is very dissatisfying. I called on Friday, but the HR lady wasn't in, perhaps good news, as I can convince myself that she would have called, if only she was in the office. Why its only a matter of time before they give me a call and welcome me with open arms, ticker-tape parade and all...or not. It wouldn't be paradise, I've worked long enough to know that all jobs have problems. But it very closely mirrors what I think I would really enjoy doing, and have even contemplated starting a similar type business,...someday. And to be honest, I REALLY want to get away from my current position. I'm just really tired of walking on eggshells. I document everything I do, not for fear of upsetting the customer or encouraging lawsuits, but because I'm sick of getting hassled by everyone there. I hope they call...
It would help financially too I think. I hope so anyway. The math checks out. More money + less driving = even more money saved. We could go on that vacation we had planned and not stay in the hostel in Harlem. We could have a decent birthday. I could get that damn hitch so I can go sailing before it gets cold again. I could make up for the last few weeks and months and years to my Sweetie, in which shes gotten so much better at spending responsibly, but has not seen much reward for it, other than that we have food till next payday. We could save up for that house, a wedding, hell, just a ring would be nice. I think I would stop worrying then. I know she isn't convinced of that but I firmly believe it. I wasn't always like this, and I don't plan to BE always like this. I wish I could just enjoy my Sunday, because monday will be here way too damn soon, and I REALY don't want to go back there...
So with that said, off to enjoy...
Crow - 5:14 PM
Why do household tasks seem to multiply instead of diminish as you do them? Just when you change the cats' box, since the smell is overpowering, you notice the carpet needs vacuumed to pick up all the nasty litter. But on your way to get the vacuum you notice that the dishes need washed, but you can't load the dishwasher until you unload the previous load. But you can't do that because the dog is bouncing up and down, eyes and legs crossed, wanting to go out. And the lawn is 3 ft high and the local suburban gestapo is eyeing your grass like its a toxic waste dump, just itching to give you a citation...
Ugh. I wish I could just ditch this and go play golf, or sail, or rollerblade. But I can't. Not because of any gestapo but because of my own guilt. Stupid Conscience.
Oh yeah, the bedroom floor needs refinishing too by the way, so that we can stop sleeping in the living room.
Crow - 5:02 PM
Friday, June 27, 2003
Did I say maybe I would call? I'm definitely calling. When there are rules on which bathrooms you can use and when, its time to question your workplace and whether you really can't do better. I guess this is as good a time as any...
Crow - 1:18 PM
rrrrr...man I hate credit bureaus. They waited until the last minute to perform my requested investigations, and now it will cost me $13.00 just to find out if my Credit Score improved at all. For those wondering what the hell I'm talking about, I'm trying to improve my credit report and increase my credit score to have a better chance of getting a home loan. With a past bankruptcy and $0 in the bank, you can see where this might be a challenge. But we've been slowly rebuilding. First with a new charge card, then a car loan. Next step to be a house, maybe sooner than we hope.
I don't hate my job as much as I used to. I know thats not exactly a ringing endorsement, but you have no idea how close I was to chucking everything and walking out just 2 weeks ago. Still no word from the place I talked to last week. It did look like a really cool position in a really cool company. I do hope they call, and wonder if I should make the first move or not. Maybe by the end of today...
Crow - 12:54 PM
